Laying the foundations

(cover story in the February issue of Responsible Parenting)

It is a well documented fact that a happy home is the foundation for a happy child. Parenting experts, the world over, say that a child’s experiences in her first years are the foundation of her intelligence, personality and emotions. Children who are raised in loving and secure homes typically thrive, whereas if they are raised in environments that are deprived of positive experiences, learning disabilities and other cognitive delays might ensue. Thus, providing an emotionally stable and stimulating environment for children that would help ensure optimal cognitive development needs to be the first priority for all thinking parents who wish to raise balanced, happy and successful children.

 

Most parents today worry about their youngsters, and even small children, who are increasingly turning aggressive, dissatisfied, ill-conditioned and insecure. Cognitive delays such as learning disabilities and lack of concentration are fast becoming the norm rather than the exception, even in affluent, well-educated households. Clearly, something is wrong somewhere.

Besides behavioural issues such as abnormal aggression, objectionable behaviour or xenophobia, the incidence of dyslexia, ADHD and other learning and cognitive disorders is sharply on the increase in our society, especially in upper middle class and affluent families. While overexposure to electronic media and unhealthy lifestyles are, to some extent, responsible for this, psychiatrists attribute this trend largely to the erosion of the secure home base and a loving environment for children to grow.

A child’s personality and behaviour is the direct outcome of her learnings from the environment in which she grows up. Thus, the importance of a happy, secure home and growing environment assumes the utmost significance to ensure happy and emotionally stable children.

In this age of overburdened lifestyles and clashing egos, the first requirement o f a happy home is a relaxed, comforting and harmonious environment replete with calmness, warmth, mutual understanding and support between its members, and a sense of security. Material comforts pale into insignificance beside the importance of love and emotional stability in fostering the child’s healthy growth and development.

Starting on the right note

A happy home, however, does not happen overnight, or by the wave of a magic wand. Yes, it does require the magic of love, understanding and support, but these are not traits that can be brought into a home just before the child arrives, along with the bassinet and the baby clothes. The atmosphere and the attitude that creates a happy home has to be fostered from a very early stage, much before the baby arrives—in fact, right from the time a couple enters married life and plans to bring a baby into the family at some future date.

Urban lifestyles today are highly demanding and depleting. Work pressures, cut-throat competition, economic uncertainty, social pressures, even the daily work commute and domestic problems—all take their toll on the stamina, vitality, and ultimately, the temperament and behaviour of those struggling with it. Is it any wonder, then, that children born and brought up in such a home atmosphere are aggressive or insecure?

In fact, it is well known that cognitive development starts before actual birth and the newborn child recognizes the parents’ voices. Child experts say that children whose parents are anxious, stressed or negative during the gestation  phase come into the world feeling unwanted and unloved, and are cranky, insecure, sickly babies who are likely to grow into problem children. On the other hand, if parents interact in a happy, positive way with the child, right from the gestation phase itself, the child comes into the world with the assurance that it is wanted and loved.

Given the state of our society today, it is all the more important for young couples to understand the importance of creating a happy and secure home environment if they wish to become parents. They need to learn how to relax in the face of work pressures, resolve their mutual differences without conflict or hostility, and make time in the middle of their busy schedules which they can devote to their children when they arrive in their lives. It is unrealistic to think—as most young parents do today—that they will work as hard as they can for the time being and make time for the child when it arrives. This simply does not happen. Unless they begin as they mean to continue, most young parents find themselves trapped in punishing schedules that they are unable to modify even after the baby arrives. As a result, the baby is struck with absentee parents, replaced by care centers or caretakers, and a home environment totally lacking in warmth, comfort or security.

A child’s bond with the parent or caretaker is one of the most important factors affecting her development. These early bonds establish a child’s attachment patterns, which affect her interactions both during childhood as well as throughout her entire life. A child who grows up with little physical contact or sense that her parents are going to meet her physical and emotional needs may grow up to be anxious, apprehensive to interact with others, or may display physical aggression. Given the importance of personal relationships on child development, parents can play an important role in their child’s growth by fostering healthy, positive interactions in all domains of the child’s life.

Parental involvement is one of the strongest influences in a child’s life that enables her to develop to her full potential. Parents need to be sensitive to their child’s needs and respond quickly. A child needs plenty of hugging, kissing and snuggling to give her the feeling of being protected and cherished. Parents need to use kind words and a warm tone with the child and provide an enriching and stimulating environment in which they engage in activities such as reading, laughing, dancing, singing and playing with their child through her vital years. According to the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC), positive stimulation from the time of birth is a crucial factor in children’s development for a lifetime.

 

Building firm foundations

Several factors contribute to the child’s development in the early years. Parents have a vital role to play by becoming an informed and active participant in their child’s life. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports that neglect in early childhood negatively affects brain and cognitive development in the early years and has repercussions that last into adolescence and adulthood. Experiences in a child’s first years are the foundation of his intelligence, personality and emotions. When a child suffers from neglect and abuse, these experiences often lead to learning disabilities, and behavioral and mental health issues that can haunt a child for the rest of his life.

A secure and organized environment

Providing a safe, clean, calm and comforting environment is essential for the child’s development.  An environment where the child is exposed to physical or verbal abuse will negatively affect her development since stressful situations cause the body to release elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Extended periods of this hormone can make the brain vulnerable to processes that can destroy brain cells or lower the number of connections in the brain. Thus, unorganized homes and stressful lives that contribute to cognitive delays in their children.

So, parents need to be sensitive to the child’s needs and respond quickly. They should not hesitate to show the child affection by hugging, kissing and snuggling with her. This makes the child feels nurtured and loved and helps in her healthy development into an emotionally balanced, happy individual.

Positive and healthy stimulation

According to the World Health Organization, the amount of stimulation provided in a child’s environment can dramatically affect her brain and cognitive development. WHO states that this is especially important during the first three years of life because early childhood is the most intensive period of brain development during a person’s life. Parents need to take time out on a regular basis to do fun things with their children, such as playing board games, going for walks, picnics and other enjoyable outings, as well as watching good movies and reading together.

Proper nutrition

A child needs adequate, age-appropriate nutrition to allow her body and mind to develop properly. Fruits, veggies, whole grains, lean meats and water are all part of a well-balanced diet as the child gets older. Malnutrition due to excess of convenient junk foods, which are becoming a norm in today’s life, can lead to development issues and a failure to thrive. For this, the parents need to take a personal interest in the food habits of the family and ensure that the child is getting the right kind of nutrition. This will also make the child feel cared for and give her good habits for a lifetime.

Parental Bonding and behaviour modeling

A child’s bonds with her parents are her earliest link to life. Since the child’s very life springs from her parents, her relationship and interaction with her parents shapes her entire life patterns by establishing behavioural modes and reactions. It is thus crucial for the child to be brought up in a physically safe, mentally secure and emotionally cherishing environment to enable her to grow into a happy and stable human being.

The child also tends to take her parents as role models  and replicate their thought and behaviour patterns in her own life. For instance, a parent’s personal relationships with her spouse or friends can also affect a child’s development. If a child grows up witnessing his parents handle interpersonal conflicts through yelling, passive-aggressive comments or aggressive behaviors, she may model these interactions in her own life. Further, in situations where a child witnesses domestic violence, she may experience persistent negative effects, even if the child witnesses the violence when she is young.

On the other hand, a child who grows up in an environment of mutual support, mature and non-conflicted resolution of differences, healthy interactions between the parents as well as with the extended family and the community, he is more likely to model these positive behaviour patterns and become a happy, healthy and balanced child.

To Mom, with love …

I don’t think we ever saw eye to eye
About anything under the great blue sky;
In fact, as Dad often says:
We were a pair of book-ends, looking opposite ways.

But now, as I see my own child grow
In a mould that I, oh! so intimately know,
I’ve come to realize so many things
About the joys and the angst that motherhood brings.

And yearn for the days when I’d dump every care
In your lap, and relax, ‘coz ‘Mamma is there’!
You were my harbour when I floundered amidst woes;
My bulwark against life’s cruellest blows.

The one who rejoiced more than me in my joy:
Whose unconditional love nothing could alloy;
Whose eyes showered love and benedictions in my life;
Whose strength gives me courage in my hours of strife.

If I can do a tithe of all this for my child,
My life as a mother would have been worthwhile.

This was written for my Mom in 2003, when I was in USA with my husband and she was undergoing chemotherapy in India. Published on ‘Unboxed Writers’ on 8th May 2011.

The babbling brook

Today Sonal Gupta posted on this blog’s Facebook group. The post was a poem about her kids’ chattering: My kids talk and they talk a lot. And it brought back a flood of memories of my teenager’s childhood …  my own little babbling brook. So, here’s to sweet nostalgia …

Have you ever been driven up the wall by your child’s chatter that just wouldn’t end?

I certainly have — times out of mind, when my teenager was a toddler. So much so, that whenever I would talk to my mom on phone and she didn’t hear a constant stream of babble (excuse the mixed metaphor) in the background, she would automatically assume that the little one was sleeping, and adjure me to put the phone down and go, get some rest while I could!

And later, when her teachers would say of the same kid: “Your child is really quiet. Do encourage her to speak up a little more”, I would feel like tearing my hair out at the roots!

One incident stands out particularly in my memory as I look back at her childhood years. I had been feeling a little under the weather for the past few days and by the evening of the day in question, I had a raging headache. Hubby was touring and dinner was cooked, with a few hours to go till it needed to be served. Popping an analgesic and hoping to catch a quick nap, I settled myself in bed, when my two year old climbed in beside me with some of her stuffed toys and blocks and proceeded to babble her way right into my shattered nerves!

In too much pain to really register what she was saying, I could vaguely make out “Ki-ku” (a variant of King Kong, her huge ape), “Booty” (her favourite teddy), “Rosy” (doll) … “house” …

I finally requested her, with all the patience at my command: “Baby, could you PLEASE be quiet for some time? Mamma has a BAD headache and needs to sleep”.

Immediately a look of concern spread over her little face, and abandoning her toys, she dragged my head onto her chubby little lap. Two soft, dimpled baby hands proceeded to pet me and soothe my brow … and the chatter started once more:

“You have a headache? … I should keep quiet? … I should not say even one word? … It will make your headache bad? … I should be completely quiet? … You have a BAD headache? … Should I make it better? … Should I be quiet? ………. Shouldn’t I say anything at all? …………”

In spite of

One of my most telling moments as a mother happened when my child was about three and a half.

Self-willed, bright and utterly charming (the universal verdict, mind you; not just a besotted mother’s view), she took to playschool like a duck to water. With her quick grasp of anything that was told to her and our daily bathtime exercises in colours, alphabet, numbers, body parts, etc. and her picture books, the first year at playschool was a snap. Charming her teachers and making friends all over the place, she was sailing on cloud nine.

It was in her second year in Montessori school that she started displaying a marked aversion to being pinned down to written work (she still has to be ‘persuaded’ to written revision). In fact, she just wouldn’t do it. And she refused to understand the concept of ‘please’ or ‘have to’. I was at the end of my tether. I still loved her beyond reason, but there was now a large fly in the ointment of my idyll as the mother of my near-perfect child!

Now, good grades and top performances were something that had been taken for granted in the family–one of the non-negotiable absolutes in life. And here was this maverick child who simply refused to perform. Yes, she was young yet, but her blatant antipathy to any kind of regularity had me hyperventilating: what would she do in life? Times were tough, and getting tougher by the day: where would she end up if she did not do well in studies? Her life would be ruined. Everyone would ridicule my darling!

Today, looking back I realize, to my shame, that at this point I had actually started withdrawing from her — not in terms of taking care of her or of loving her absolutely, but in terms of showing her unconditional love — as if trying to make her believe that my love was conditional upon her living up to my expectations; as if I wished to manoeuver her into trying to ‘deserve’ my love! Not surprisingly, we ended up with a new problem: behaviour issues!

It was at this time, when I was trying to grapple with these unwelcome twists of motherhood, that I ran across an old college friend who was finally pregnant after seven years of unsuccessful treatments for infertility. She was euphoric — and highly emotional. Deciding to lunch together and catch up with each other we repaired to our old college-time haunt of Nathu’s in Bengali Market, and being a little in advance of the lunch hour, were fortunate enough to get a table in a secluded corner.

And we started talking! We’d lost sight of each other after college, but I knew she had been through some tough times. A brilliant student in school, her performance in studies had taken a nosedive in college — and so had the love and support of her parents. She had graduated with low marks and had managed to get a mediocre job, but had risen swiftly in the organization on the basis of her performance. Now she had quit her job and was looking forward to bringing up her child.

I was just reflecting wryly on how I too had had the same kind of sentiments when I was in her position, when her next words fell upon me like a thunderbolt:

“And you know, whatever I am able, or not able, to give this child, the ONE thing that I will definitely give it is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and support. I will guide it to the best of my ability, but when it faces any kind of failure, I will love it all the more. I will never destroy its self-esteem by making it think that it has to deserve to be loved by its mother. I will love and support it, not because of what it is, but IN SPITE OF what it isn’t.”

I said a short inward prayer of thanks for this meeting, and echoed in my mind: “So will I … God willing … so will I”!